The Bike Trail and Man Boobies

Over the weekend Brett and I decided it was time to try our kids on a longer bike ride. We packed a lunch, loaded up the bikes and drove to the local trails (it’s not safe or easy biking to the actual trails so please don’t judge us for driving there). The trails are really nice and mostly wooded. By that I mean, it's as close to the woods as you can get in the Chicagoland. We'd been wanting to take the kids for some time and finally took the chance. 

It started out fairly smooth and fun. Perfect weather and the Fall air smelled lovely. The woods were pretty. I liked the sound of the tires crunching the fallen leaves, and I liked how there were leaves swirling through the air falling on and around us as we rode down the trail. Brett had taken the lead, he usually does, while I prefer to be at the back of the pack ensuring my chicks are safely accounted for. Typical mom behavior. I was doing good but could feel my annoyance creeping up because the trails were busier than I expected. I’m not one for swarms of people particularly when I have to keep track of my kids.

These people on the trail were of all kinds and types. You've got the rollerbladers, whose legs are all over the place making it treacherous to pass them. Then we have the super athletic, get out of my way or die, kind of people. They whiz past you screaming, “left” or dinging their bells obnoxiously as if I’m not going to hear it, or maybe they’re just really excited to ring that special bell of theirs. Next you have us, parents taking their children out for a ride. Giving them some fresh air and exercise. Finally, you have the slow people, either elderly or the ones dreamily strollin’ along. Whether they are on foot or bike, it makes for jam ups. 

About five miles down, we stopped for a picnic on some fallen trees. Up to this point there really weren’t too many mishaps, but I began to unravel as we headed back. The populated trails were really starting to get to me. The kids were tired, especially Calvin’s little legs. Brett and Ariauna were leading our pack again and seemed completely oblivious that Calvin and I were having difficulty keeping up. 

Then we came upon this older gentleman barely pedaling followed by a younger guy keeping pace behind him and messing around with his iPhone or iPod. Bit of a traffic jam. Eventually, Ariauna and Brett saw an opportunity to pass and did so. Calvin and I tried to pass as well but couldn't as we were being passed by a couple who'd come up from behind us. Then when we finally get another chance, it takes Calvin forever because of course his legs are tired. Next thing I see this older man flying down the path coming right at us. However, I didn't completely panic because I figured we were still good as we were right on the yellow line giving this oncoming rider enough room to get past. BUT this jerk of a man who couldn’t be bothered to slow down in the slightest felt the need to screech at the top of his lungs, “STAY ON YOUR DAMN SIDE” followed by what sounded like angry moaning and growling. I wanted to scream at him, "I’ve got a kid with me jerkwad, have some consideration." If I had a large stick I would’ve knocked him off that bike. At least I fantasized about that afterward. Must he be going so bloody fast and would it have killed him to slow down for a child?

After the screeching, Brett and Ariauna finally noticed Calvin and I were a good distance  behind. This only made me angrier, to be unnoticed and left in the dust. Then it happened. I hit my wall. This is where I go into melt down mode, lose all positivity, just want to get my kids home and out of harms way. I get furious with pretty much everything around me. There were too many people, too much variation in their speed and they're on different equipment. My kid almost got ran over by a maniac and I could no longer tolerate the chaos. I hated all the people on the path. I could hear the cars, planes and trains. The scenic bike trail turned into a stupid attempt to bring nature into the city. Everything was turning sour and why did I ever think it was a good idea to bring the children here.

So, when I had thought all was lost, my sweet husband managed to fix my malfunction. If it weren’t for him I fear I’d become an anxious and cranky old hag. When he sees me fall apart he always finds a way to make me laugh, relax and take a deep breath. This time he said, “Hey how about that guy with the boobs. Those were some man boobies!” We had seen a couple of old men on the trail who were shirtless, and one guy in particular had these spectacular breasticles. Then we were laughing and things weren't so bad. 

It’s a challenge taking your children anywhere. They themselves can be difficult because they are in fact children. The world around them can be treacherous and perhaps the worst part of it all, can be me. If I feel their safety is in any way threatened I become an irrational, angry and crazed mama bear. Thankfully there's a papa bear who knows how to handle this mama.

As for the children, they learned a few things from all this... stay in your lane, listen for people coming up behind you. Pass only when you’re absolutely sure you can and do it quickly. Look out for that oncoming “I ride my bike super fast and wear a racing shirt” kind of person. They will run you over and possibly kill you, should you get in their way. And above all, mom will lose her cool if you give her reason to fear for your life. 

Then there's my lesson... Losen up, let go, calm down and laugh more often, especially when there are man boobies involved.