Write Something

I like this place. I can say what I want and let it go where it will. I've missed writing. There's been too much to say and yet nothing to put into words these past months. Since my last post I've been blown like a leaf in the wind, leaving little time to collect my thoughts. Tumbling around from one thing to the next, trying to balance, hold my head up and muttering a Meet the Robinsons quote, "keep moving forward." I've felt quite a bit of fear, a breaking heart and then moments of being blissfully happy, because it's after our darkest days when we can truly feel the light.

As Thanksgiving approaches I could give a crap about the turkey or the feast. Quite frankly I'm not particularly fond of this time of year because of the illness and all the people who carelessly spread it, the chaos, needless hustle and bustle... but the real meaning for this holiday matters to me. Looking at the year in slow motion, I feel grateful for so much. 

You see, life changes quickly in the ordinary instance. Snap your fingers and everything can change. It takes your breath away every time. In April, my strong Dad had a massive heart attack at age 65. He could've been a goner but luckily there was minimal damage and the doctors saved his life with five stents. In June, my sweet Mom was diagnosed with Lung Cancer at age 63, never having smoked a cigarette in her life. A section of her lung was removed and it was thought to be a best case scenario but it's not. There is still cancer growing somewhere in her body although we don't know where. My world was shaken because for some dumb reason as children, we think our parents are invincible. No one is, obviously. I love these two people dearly and selfishly wish they could live forever. 

So there's been that, it's pretty big and ugly but we float on. We have to. Find the silver lining. My parents are not six feet under, so we'll make the most of every moment we can. It would be great if I weren't eight hours away but I am thankful I can pick up the phone and hear their beautiful voices, although sometimes it makes me cry. When I finally get chances to wrap my arms around them, I hold them longer, soak it in and go back for seconds sometimes thirds. It probably gets awkward for them, lol. 

It's often hard in this life, but that can make you a better person if you let it. It can make you appreciate what you have, when you have it... and that my friends is a gift. After all the years of struggling with Calvin's health, we feel real happiness when we finally have moments of normalcy. When we get to venture out and do normal family things together, we are very grateful. There have even been moments of complete bliss when it hits us how much Calvin's improved. We've been climbing the mountain and it's been tremendous work, but worth it! 

For about eight months he has seen a chiropractor three times a week. The last two months we've been able to go down to two times a week. He used to be on quite the asthma inhaler regimen:

2 puffs Advair twice a day

4 puffs Flovent twice a day

Do the math and it was 12 puffs of inhaled steroids daily. Madness. Since February, we have slowly weaned him completely off and as of October he hasn't used an inhaler, maintenance or emergency. This is the first successful time we've been able to fully wean him off since he was a sixth month old baby!!!! After eight years of expensive meds, four exclamation points isn't nearly enough. Right now, he's only on two prescription drugs, Singulair and Flonase. We hope to discard these someday too but we won't make an attempt until Flu season ends next Spring. We don't want to push our luck. 

Yes he has gotten sick frequently, but not too much more than the average kid and he comes out of it after a chiropractic adjustment. We've been watching him go up and down for months now. He'll start to get ill, get adjusted, show improvement and we move on. There has been no pneumonia, no emergency meds and no prednisone. It hasn't gotten critical. The chiropractor snaps Calvin's body into place (removing the subluxations, look it up) and his sinuses are able to drain, his body is able to expel and recover on it's own like it's supposed to. The goal is that Calvin's body will heal itself if we can support it in a non-invasive healthy manner. 

We've made other changes as well. He eats a raw, whole, organic diet as much as possible with limited sugar and processed foods. The only cow-made diary products allowed are cheeses, otherwise it's all about the almond milk. I make him Superfood smoothies packed with greens, honey, hemp, chia seeds, goji powder, maca powder and so on. Essential oils are amazing, we apply them mainly to his feet, some are ingested and there will be another blog post coming that will be devoted to just the magic of these essential oils. Then we've been doing an abundance of supplements such as fish oil, high doses of vitamin C, probiotic, vitamin D, multi-vitamin, manuka honey, turmeric powder, cayenne pepper, apple cider vinegar and fresh ginger to name a few. I owe everyone detailed blog posts on how to incorporate these changes into your life. I'll get there. I wish there would have been a me that I could have read about way back when.

In short, what we've been doing with Calvin's health has to be working. We'll know for certain soon enough. The IgG blood counts have been ordered and will be redone shortly. Then we'll know for sure if we're truly healing him. It is a possibility that we've only succeeded in propping him up on holistic methods but for daily care it's been way better than the western medicine route we have abandoned. The test will tell us if we still have to consider adding IgG replacement therapy to the mix because what if he came into contact with the measles? Would he be able to survive it? It can be a scary thought. As his mom, I have to make sure I'm protecting him. Western Medicine is an old hat and while I find more use out of watching it collect dust than actually wearing it, I can't just get rid of it entirely. On occasion it's needed, it has its place. 

I still love Calvin's Allergist/Pulmonologist, Dr. Paul Detjen. He's a good man and when we checked in with him after six months into our alternative treatments, he was amazed at Calvin's improvement. He didn't merely brush it off as luck or outgrowing something. He told us, "whatever you're doing is clearly working, so keep doing it." This doctor has stuck with us, seen us through some awful spells with Calvin and he gave us the best he knew. I will forever be grateful for him and if we should hit a pothole, and Calvin's lungs implode, you can bet he will be there to fix it. Sick care and emergency care cannot always be avoided. But you can bet your butt, I'm going to steer us away from them as best I can. I am going to enjoy watching the rubbermaid bin packed with his emergency meds, sit there on the shelf untouched.

As I wake up and realize where we are today compared to years past, it seems too good to be true but I'm going to shut up and enjoy it. Even though we have that test coming up, I have hope. Even if we end up needing some medical intervention, it will only supplement what we have going on now. Do some research and educate yourself. There's more out there than an M.D.'s office and their prescription pad. It will take more work and effort on your part, you'll need to be brave and ask questions but I assure you, it will be worth it. We're in a really great place. Two amazing people are to thank for this and I would love to publicly acknowledge them. Calvin was stuck in a state of perpetual sick care and Dr. Derek Kasten jump started his recovery back to a state of health. He supported and coached us through the rocky transition of walking away from what we knew and empowered us to establish a better way that would heal our child. He has now moved on to North Carolina, One Love Chiropractic, and we miss him greatly. If you live there, look him up, he's amazing. Our current chiropractic hero is Dr. Andrea Mursu, Health in Harmony Chiropractic. We love her! You can look her up too but don't fill up her schedule because we need her. 

Today and always I will forever be grateful for these amazing chiropractors, they helped us get our life back. Prior to them, I feel like we were merely surviving. You don't have to just survive, there's living to be done. Happy Thanksgiving to all, may you find gratitude in this life and celebrate those you get to love. 

Feeling Gratitude for Past and Present

We decided to have a quiet Thanksgiving this year and because of that I've had some time to actually think. As a mom, this chance is rare. You don't get many of these opportunities because you're pretty much bouncing between things to be done or places to be, that when you finally slow down for the day, you fall asleep. You don't think, you just DO, until you can't possibly DO anymore. 

Now that I'm not packing for a holiday road trip or the reverse of needing to get things done before company arrives, I'm thinking. Sometimes this can be a bad thing, like when your mind is in a bad place, but for once in a very long time (and I'm actually scared to admit it) things are actually okay. Maybe even good.

Calvin has been in a really good place with his asthma and immune system (again so scared to type that and jinx us but is there really such a thing as jinxing?). It is what it is. You get what you get. You only have so much control and then it's luck. I need to grasp that we're going to have bad spells and I'll deal with them, I always have. But I should enjoy when we're in a good place without waiting for the bomb to drop, right? "Be present Nicki, be present."

To what do we owe this reprieve? It certainly isn't antibiotics or inhaled steroids. We've been trying something different. We have been working hard to get Calvin's body healthy enough to possibly fix itself. There's a theory that if you give the body what it needs to stabilize the chemical, emotional and physical state, it will heal itself. To help us do this, we started seeing an amazing Chiropractor (who hails from Wadena, Minnesota - Holla!) and we started giving Calvin strong doTERRA essential oils regularly. 

We hadn't thought this was possible in the past for two reasons. For one, the doctors told us it wouldn't help, we shouldn't bother with Hocus-Pocus. They had no faith in it. Secondly, we simply couldn't afford to give it a try. When you're spending so much money on chest x-rays, medications, tests and doctor copays; there isn't room in the budget for expensive oils and a trial run at Chiropractic treatments. All of which may or may not work.

The opportunity to take a chance came when I was offered a job caring for this awesome little baby every day while my kids are at school. It is so sweet to get my baby snuggles and giggles in, and it's great to have some extra income too. This allowed us to try the natural route while hedging our bets with the traditional treatment. I believe you have to find a balance between the two worlds when treating a disease.

I'm still nervous to say that it's working but I really think it is. It's been two months of weekly Chiropractic treatments as well as daily oils and Calvin has made it through two respiratory colds without needing massive doses of his rescue meds or developing pneumonia. I think that's huge, I know that's huge. So, yes that has to say something. 

His ailment hasn't only had external influence though. His close and frequent brushes with life threatening illness has made him weary. Sure, he tends to be more careful around germs, and what parent doesn't want that? But it's also caused unhealthy fears, the likes of which we've had to seek professional help for him to be able to process them correctly. He was fearing his own death which is still hard to talk about. It's one thing for me to be afraid for him when his lungs are failing to extract enough oxygen from his breath, but much harder when your child is aware and feels it. Luckily we found a great therapist to help him and give him some coping skills. Over the past few months he's worked hard and as of this week, he has graduated. 

As I sit here I feel a sense of relief I haven't felt in seven years. That's seven long years of dreading every childhood illness, many of which became prolonged and severe. Seven years of collective impact on our family's lives in a negative way. We've had to live a completely different life from your average family with healthy children. Yes we've learned to adapt to each new situation/predicament we find ourselves in, (and there have been many) but it hasn't been easy. 

Thinking back to this time seven years ago, three month old little Calvin had his first bout with pneumonia. Back then we lived in a garden unit ONE bedroom apartment in the city. East Rogers Park on the far north side was not the greatest neighborhood, and our apartment was far from deluxe. But with a mortgage payment on an empty house in Minnesota on top of rent, it was the best we could afford at that time, and for quite a while after.

Ariauna was almost two years old so we set her things up in the one bedroom. The other room which was meant to be the living-room / dining-room / kitchen also served as our bedroom. It consisted of an inexpensive airbed mattress and old rocker-recliner. Inevitably the airbed mattress sprung a leak and left us sleeping on the hard floor for two weeks, until my in-laws caught wind of it and kindly bought us a new one. Calvin slept in a Pack 'N Play next to our bed. We ate at a small folding table with folding chairs. The heat was free but the radiators were mounted on the ceiling, obviously the plumber was never taught that heat rises. No dishwasher, no in-unit laundry and no parking anywhere near the building by the time I normally got home from work. Eventually we were able to rent a parking spot behind a Laundromat 2 blocks away for $150/month. That way I wouldn't be stuck driving around the neighborhood looking for a spot to park and then carrying two babies who knows how far to get to our apartment for the night. 

I lamented the fact that I had to send my kids to daycare after only six short weeks with them. I was robbed of their baby years. I'd drop them off with a Mrs. Jackson in Maywood in what turned out to be a pretty rough neighborhood, but I had no idea. It was reasonably close to my work and she was in my price range. She was good enough but she wasn't me. She wasn't their mom. It wasn't what I had imagined for raising my children. Calvin kept getting sick, sicker than a normal child would in a daycare setting. One day Mrs. Jackson called and Calvin was panting to get enough air. We thought he'd get better at home but he didn't. Then his lips started turning blue and Brett had to rush him off to the ER because we couldn't risk the time it would take if I was to try and find the hospital in this new city (getting lost happens a lot to me) and there was no time to spare. I completely trusted my husband but I was the mother of that really sick child and I couldn't be there with him. I sat in the apartment instead, waiting with Ariauna and trying to be her mother. Trying not to rob her from a normal childhood and my panicked thoughts were with my sick baby boy. 

Ever since Calvin's first emergency room visit, it was one hard sickness after the next. There were more agonizing times stuck in traffic with a baby who was struggling to breathe. The moments we spent rushing Calvin to the ER are the longest most terrifying moments of my life. The fear and heartache I felt during his lengthy hospital stay when he was six months old is still with me to this day. I hardly slept because I had to keep him from taking the oxygen tubes out. All those hard times we had to hold him down while he screamed, just to give him meds and nebulizer treatments. So much time, energy and money was spent on keeping his airways open, constantly trying to make him better. We struggled in every aspect of our life and we were alone. There was no family and none of our friends around to help. And forget about meeting new friends, there was no time for it. 

My regular days started at 5am. We'd get everyone ready and out the door by 6:30am because I had an hour and a half commute each way to Hillside. It was the only job I could find doing what I had done in Minnesota. I drove a two door Chevy Cavalier, with two little people in my backseat. It was small but afforded me the ability to feed Calvin a bottle while I stagnated in the famous Chicago traffic. Maybe it wasn't as dangerous as some people who drive with one hand on the wheel and one on the bottle, but I still didn't feel great about it. I had to work. I had a long commute. It was the best we could do at that moment, but it still burned me to know what we left behind in Minnesota. The secure job, the easy commute, the great daycare lady and all our friends and family. 

That's not even close to being all of it. Some of it I can't believe I actually lived through without losing my mind. The roaches, the mice, the Christmas Eve sewer backup in our bathtub - we lived through quite the rough patches, but at least I LIVED THEM with my best friend and whom I consider the best husband, and the best Dad. I had what was most important and our difficult experiences have made us the people we are today. They have lead me to the place I am right now. As I take the time to think about all that was and all that is, I am so thankful. 

I feel so much gratitude for what IS now. We took the chance all those years ago, to move to Chicago and we hoped. Brett had a great job opportunity that would provide for our family. Minnesota couldn't offer us that. His job might have been the only great thing in our lives right then, but it's carried us to a better place today. That hard choice was right. We've made new friends and I'm so grateful for them. There are still struggles and unknowns with Calvin's health, with life in general. But I can make peace with that today. I can let it be, let it rest and I can enjoy the gifts in this moment.  

When the day is done, I steal into my children's bedrooms and kiss their softest of cheeks and quietly whisper in their little ears, "I love you." As I shut off my bedside lamp and snuggle up next to my husband, I know I am lucky. I love my little family. I am sleeping in a real bed, in a nice home, in a quiet and safe neighborhood. Nothing is ever perfect but it can be better than what it was. I want to take a moment to notice. 

I have so much to be thankful for. No one knows what struggle the night or the next morning might bear, but I am going to choose to be content and be happy when it's mine TO BE. 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! 

Although it was an old rocking chair in a 
not-so-nice-apartment, and I never had enough 

time with them... I had this moment that I will 
cherish forever and I am thankful.